WHEN EMOTIONS KILL YOU

I was supposed to be at 10.15 pm at the Nizamuddin Railway station to receive Mahesh. I reached at 10.32 pm exactly. (Yes ,you find number of digital watches around)

"I had told you to check the status before leaving. One hour 15 M..I..N..U..T..E. S" Suraj repeated when LEDs displayed the delay time.

Suraj a fair guy with an average hieght who was introvert , emotional and kind hearted boy who would even cry watching a daily soap act . From last three years we had been sharing our room and I knew almost all of him. Sometimes you make connections that proves to be more stronger than your blood ones.

"Its just the matter of 1 hour more." I tried convincing him and pulled him toward the exit.

"Hey, lets have Cold coffee, just 40 bucks my friend and you will be a cool dude then." I continued being bit sarcastic.

"Should I leave now , I want some peace Arush."

"Suraj, dude are you fine mahn?"

He was behaving well till morning and being in the different courses we rarely used to meet in college. I thought something unusual happened in college, and before I could think of another statement to present, he continued.

"If you are paying my 40, then lets have it."

No, he wasn’t the Suraj . Of course not the person I knew from last three years who would talk so nicely with so much decency and that too with me. Strange it was , as our morning started with the worst ever written words .

"Yes , what will happen to me." He said stealing the eye contact.

" Bhaiyaa,two cold coffee. " I ordered before the boy could go for the menu book.

We were at the Sartaya corner, a steel coated well cleaned handcar. It never tasted good but it was just game of words. I paid him his side and turned to Suraj who was still stirring the coffee with the straw.

"Suraj , all good at home?" for the first time I was so polite to him.

" I have something to tell " his voice had a cry along with it.

"Should we sit somewhere?" I took my hand around his shoulder and made him walk toward a wooden bench, placed for the police guards.

" Let me know everything you have. " My words ordering rather polite this time.

He took a deep breath and yes a very deep it was. I had seen him crying many times for his friends, his mother who was a patient of breast cancer, but this time I was expecting completely different. Really, he was a completely different person today, and so the story needed was to be different.

"I am in a relationship , I mean I was." He stated in a  go.

"No, fuck yourself . Do you mean I didn’t know about it. You die man.”  More than a statement it was an announcement . To be honest , more than being surprised I was excited .

"It’s over Arush ...it’s over boy." he broke down and could see his tears rolling this time.

I offered him some tissues stolen from Mc Donald's which you would find in almost all of my trousers.

"Who's she ?"

"My classmate."

"Does she have any name?"

"That does not matter anymore now. "

Even I was keen to know the story and in forcing to know the character I would have lost the story too. So I asked him to continue.

" We were classmates from the first year itself. Ten months back during our submissions, we got introduce to each other .Being in the same batch of seminar we had enough time to share together. We started messaging through phones but I never considered it as an attraction for her . I always tried being formal and keeping the talks related to seminars only."

I mean how right angled a person can be. How can you say no to the free topping of the ice-cream.

"She continued messaging even after the presentations were over and so I. The chats were now more personal and we shared more of our time together in the college too.."

I remained silent and kept listening to him with my eyes on the big clock which had only two arms . The train will arrive in half an hour more , my mind said.

" Five months back , you remember?"

"What ?" I took my eyes from the arms of clock to him . My eyes questioned him again.

"I told you one day that at I am going to railway station to meet one of my cousin. You remember? " His voice exclaimed me that it doesn't matter even if you don't remember. I gave a confident nod to him so that he could continue.

"There was no cousin coming . It was her who asked me to accompany her to platform No.3 to collect some of her parcel her uncle was bringing"

"Ohhh.. so that was the reason you used half of my deodorant " I chuckled and gave a big nod this time.

"After that we had this same cold coff..." he broke down again before he could continue.

Again i took out one more tissue paper of my left pocket .You never know how small things can be so useful sometimes.

"So what happened next?"

"She took my hand into her and proposed me" he said it as if it happens with every guy.

A girl proposed him . How hopeless this guy can be, my mind said to me. One should tell him that the probability of this is just decimals.

"I told her that I need some time to think over . I am not ready for this and I never thought of such things. She then made number of promises to me and even I got too emotional and promised her that I ll try to make it to next level. I was so happy that day, her words made me feel special and my mind started reciting the same things again and again " He said it with an incomplete smile throughout.

Everything became silent around. The only thing I could hear were his words .Fifteen minutes more were left for train to arrive when he finished.

"Lets take out the platform ticket and have a proper seat there. " I suggested.

"Hmm.." He murmured.

It took us seven more minutes to be at a proper place where we could have proper exchange of words.

"So , you are telling me today all this " I gave a wry smile to him and showed him that, yes, I am annoyed .

"The same night I messaged her that I need her in my life and the whole night we kept talking" he said with no gesture on his face.

" That is really sweet " I knew that the end is not that sweet but to put the things off track I spoke.

"From last five months we were in relationship and that too till afterno.." his sound went unheard before the tough horn of a cargo engine.

"What went wrong now Suraj ?" I interogated him after the train passed by .

"Nothing , leave . I wanted to tell you to unwieght my heart so I did. I don't want to discuss much more for now " he said it in a disturbed voice.

He was the slave of mood and that I knew. Even it was not a right place for the titles where one need a lot of sympathy and your shoulder to cry on. Yes , I remember I had read somewhere that we must let our cry come out when we feel broken inside.

The announcement of the train we were waiting for was about to arrive. I asked Suraj if he wants to have some water. He bought some and made his face get some moisture in the dry summer night.

"All will be fine Suraj " I consoled him. I did not know the later part.

One word of the other part I knew was CHEAT. May be he was betrayed and that happens in many of the cases (as what I feel). But it was really not the right time and the place to discuss more about.

I started looking at the end of the track or may be my vision to locate the train.

"Yeah, all will be fine soon. " Suraj reverted.

"That's good. " I turned to him and gave a tight hug. I knew he needed one.

The roar took all other sound into it and started escalating linearly. A bang sound came when engine passed by. The stupid boy has jumped on the track and I could not guess where he was. I was dead for a second. Everyone was yelling around me, the boy jumped before the train.

I don't know what happened to me , my blood froze .All could i see were the people running around. My legs could not weigh anymore and I fell down. I could hear the sounds of brakes now. The train was on rest.

"The boy is here " someone yelled from the other side of train.

I ran into the train and jumped out from the other side. A boy completely wet in red, surrounded by three young men.

........................................................................................................................................................

Its 2.30 am and all the formalities have been done .Suraj is in ICU and has been operated. I called Suraj's mother and she is on way for Delhi. She doesn't know what her stupid son did.

I don't want to tell the incomplete story of Suraj to anyone .That stupid boy will complete it and I am sure he will. I like writing it when I am alone and it doesn’t matter how bad I am in it. I can see the ECG taking high and low breathes from the rectangular glass pane.

It is so boring seating in hospital. You feel like running from the place but my brother needs me and so I am. I am tired now. I want to sleep . But there are some questions that are not letting me to.

Did 22 years of love of mother felt so weak in front of 5 months of neonate love?

I know people lose heart but do they lose senses too?

What actually love is? Is it about spending few months together and not giving damn to the future.

There are many such questions that ask me if really love exists or not??

Do I know really ALL of him?

Is it the peace he was talking about?

I want this boy to stand up again. I want to know his incomplete story that will answer my certain questions. This has made me weak. I hate the word Love. 

I never felt this guys would do this . But if love makes someone so weak then I am happy to be alone.

I am tired so need to close this book.

The police is considering it as an accident but I know that girl and the boy himself tried murdering SURAJ.

-Tushar Cancare

(Where Suraj is the one among many of US.)

"One thing that can kill sadness is the ATTITUDE to always STAY HAPPY, whatever the consequences are."

SO CALLED HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY!!

“May I know the reason Inspector?” The shivering voice of mine, not even able to head-up of my vocal cord interrogated the person on the ergonomic chair. I clearly remember the early morning of 18^th February when the call from the Rudra Police Station, Indore, broke the silence of the buttoned up lips. The officer from the other end asked me to reach the Police Station with zero delay. I could feel my feet getting paralyzed, unable to clutch or race my car. All the positive thoughts decaying with the running odometer.

“Please sit down.” Inspector Sharma asked me while offering me the half filled glass of water from the table.

“Would you please tell me where is Rucha?” I tried raising my voice but all came up was a prickly cry. 

Sharma went off his chair and pushed it right back. He started walking towards the exit and again with a hard blow, pushed aside the partially opened door. He stopped and turned back to address me.

“Mr. Survesh Goyal.”  He took a sigh and continued “Would you come please?”

“At least tell me. Have you found Rucha?” I almost begged for the answer .

Nothing was  in favor of me. My fiancee Rucha , who was on way of her home was missing. She had told me about her work, and also how she missed office cab  from seconds. She did ask me to pick if I was in state to. I denied because of the project I was busy in at my place. We hanged up then, but after fifteen minutes more, I tried reaching her through whatsapp.She didn’t reply, and after minutes in concern I gave her a call and was unanswered. 

It took me more ten minutes to analyse the situation. It was 2330 hours when I called her back from the log. This time I could hear the IVC saying that it was switched off.  

The police station at 4 am was crowded with officials making me assure of the worst consequences.

“Survesh, please.”  Sharma said and asked his constable to back me.

I had never experienced it before, and so you never wish to. Crowd going almost mum and I could here in the passage were the landline phones ringing one after another. To be honest, the worst moment in life is to realise that something worst is about to arrive, and you are null prepare for it. My thoughts were never so balky ever, but you need to accept when everything around you runs inopportune.

I remember, I was then asked to sit outside of a room on a bench. For next fifteen minutes I was scratching the arm of bench with car key. A tear drop went off my cheek and onto thigh, making me realise of how helpless I was at the moment. I knew nothing of what did happen and what I was about to get. Rucha’s parents were on the way, Inspector Sharma had informed them about some accident, and that she was hospitalised. On the other side, I was told nothing about where Rucha was.

“Survesh!” Sharma asked me to come inside the room . I went in. He closed the door behind, and asked me to step ahead. There I could see were two lady constables, a nurse wrapping some injections in a polythene sheet. She kept it aside, moved down to a stretcher lying on the ground. 

“This is Rucha’s.” I ran toward the table and picked up the violet hand bag. It was the same I had gifted Rucha on her last birthday. It had few beads attached to its chain which made hissing sound.

“We found her body near Rekha Nagar water tank, 8 miles away from her office.” Someone said.

I started feeling insensate. I rested myself on the wall behind of me and got down to floor. Everything going blur, ears pressured up, voice reticent.

“Inspector Sharma, report is up. Gang raped, traces of four.” One of the nurse murmured it to him.

Though I didn’t find any expressions as be the fear, the anger on Survesh’s face while telling  me about the incident . He asked  for the bill and turned to me again.

“This is it Tushar! I know you will write it every bit of it. You are too good in description.” He smiled and said.

“What you want me to conclude out of it Survesh?” I asked him while heading towards the bus we had acquired for Rushikesh. 

“Tushar! I saw you were writing the article titled ‘A birth of Her’.  Definitely, I appreciate it.” He paused for a while.

“My Rucha did get the birth, but not right to live.” His voice more sore this time and he continued.

“Tushar, I am least interested in telling you about what happened to those four and where I was in these last months. My content to you will be a story for others. They will want to know whom the sperm traces belong to and what exactly they did to her.” He gave a wry smile this time. 

“Tushar! Do a favor for me. Take this diary. Though I can’t write good, I have written a bit and what Rucha tells me each day.” He said while handing me a diary and went into the bus.

It was an hour for the bus to depart and so I decided to read what Survesh had written. I took a corner at the bus stop and had a glance over it.

Rucha told me today, this world is full of hypocrites. Don’t be the one Survesh. While they took me in the car, a biker did see it, but didn’t even move a foot near. 

They may initiate a candle march for your Rucha,but  don’t be a part of it. They just feel for a day and forget, and wait for a new event to lit it again. I thought Nirbahaya would be the last, but now I feel as if your Rucha was just the second.

I turned the page.

Rucha asked me not to have a baby girl. She said the girls are let to have birth but not live. I know you will love her to the depth, but this world won't. Your daughter for another is a flesh of meat. They get license in minutes to choke her down and eat all of it.

 

Today, she made me realised again of the fact that we all are hypocrites. She warned me of not wishing anyone SO CALLED HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY. Because we (boys) merely feel about it, or want it to be.

She told me about how many a time she was eve teased, and it isn’t less than a rape. How the guys at the café corner used to verbally abuse her and mates, and it isn’t less than a rape. How in the bus they used to intentionally touch her parts, and it isn’t less than  a rape. How at the parties some used to judge for her wearings, and it isn’t less than a rape.

I closed the diary and found that story remains the same. It isn’t Rucha’s, but a story of every HER. We are too patient and wait till it happens to be Rucha. Yes, I am a hypocrite and avoid situations where I could have taken stand. Yes, I respect my sister but forgets when the blood isn’t mine. Time to change, because it is too late. 

The diary of Survesh is still with me as he left from the place without informing anyone. The pages are yet to be turned. 

Wishing everyone SO CALLED HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY.

-Tushar Cancare

Where Survesh remains unknown and Rucha a lesson for life.

" Let the thoughts change, and the world is in Que"  (Image by Shutterstock)

WOH SHAAM FIR AAJ AA GAYI....

Jazbaaton se kahu ya bus baaton se, saal baad bhi tum utni hi bhaati ho

Ankhon se kahu ya nigaaho se, saal baad bhi tum utni hi bhaati ho….

                                                                                   

Asaan ho gayi kuch zindagi mano, ab saral- sahaj sa lagta hai

Toot kar bikhra jo pada tha, ab  juda- juda sa lagta hai….

Hua tha karwaan shuru jo us shaam us saal

Woh shaam fir aaj aa gayi ,aur aaj sab achha-achha lagta hai……

"The love ain't a time axis plot, it may happen you within seconds and long forever"

                      

Jazbaaton se kahu ya bus baaton se, saal baad bhi tum utni hi bhaati ho

Ankhon se kahu ya nigaaho se, saal baad bhi tum utni hi bhaati ho…

Yaad hoga tumhe bhi, who yun mera hanth pakad tum rok leti thi mujhe,

Na kuchh kehti na sunte thi, ek tuk aankho me baandh leti thi mujhe…

Shukriya har us ehsaas ka jo aaj bhi zinda hai

Woh shaam fir aaj aa gayi, jaha sara kuch bus apna hai….

Jazbaaton se kahu ya bus baaton se, saal baad bhi tum utni hi bhaati ho

Ankhon se kahu ya nigaaho se, saal baad bhi tum utni hi bhaati ho…

"If I would get chance to fall in love again, I will chose it to be YOU. The moment was amazing and so now."

Pehli mulaqat zehen me utni hi taaza hai, aur haa tera muskurana bhi

Pehli jhuti taarif ka sach ab tak chhupa hai, aur haa tera itraana bhi….

Rehmat hai unki jo baras baad bhi kuchh badla nahi ,

Woh shaam fir aaj aa gayi, jaha tujhe bol kuchh samzana nahi…..

Jazbaaton se kahu ya bus baaton se, saal baad bhi tum utni hi bhaati ho

Ankhon se kahu ya nigaaho se, saal baad bhi tum utni hi bhaati ho…

To my anonymous valentine,

With Love from,

-Tushar Cancare